Saturday, May 28, 2011

Some classic one-liners

        My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


        A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


        I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."


        I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


        My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


        I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?


        A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.


        I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "


        The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A partial Rature DID happen!!

In Partial Rapture, Credible Republican Candidates Vanish From Earth!!!!!
Gingrich, Palin, Bachmann, Hannity Left Behind!!

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In what some fundamentalist preachers are
calling a “partial Rapture,” all credible candidates for the 2012 Republican
nomination have mysteriously vanished from Earth.

While this seemingly Biblical phenomenon has been developing over the past
several months, the disappearance of Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels over the
weekend confirmed what many apocalyptic prophets had been predicting: a
partial Rapture was underway.

For Rev. Harold Camping, the minister who made headlines by predicting that
the entire world would end on May 21, the partial Rapture offered some
measure of vindication, he said.

“The world really did end, Republican-wise, when Daniels dropped out of the
race of May 22,” he said. “So I was only off by one day.”

According to Camping’s prophecy, Republicans with a shot of winning the
White House have completely vanished from the face of the Earth while a
series of surefire losers have been “left behind,” including Herman Cain,
the former chairman of the Godfather’s Pizza chain, who announced his
candidacy – significantly, Camping notes .......“on May 21.”

As for the Biblical prophecy that those left behind after the Rapture faced
“five months of Hell on Earth, Camping said, “That’s a pretty clear
reference to what Newt Gingrich has in store.”