Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Mixing Media

Mixing media (uniquely and hauntingly): a current installation in M√ľnster, Germany (artistic invention rolls on...).

Dorothy of Oz

Dorothy is 70 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter
men with no brains, no hearts,
and no balls,
she wouldn't be in Oz.
She’d be in Congress

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sprots Quotes

Dumb Sports Quotes & The Athletes That Make Them

Sex Education:

"We're not attempting to circumcise rules." - Former Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach, Bill Cowher 
"They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids." - Former MLB player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” - PGA Tour Golfer Greg Norman
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Former NC State basketball player, Chuck Nevitt.


"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve, The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex." – Former MLB player Carl Everett
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Former NFL Quarterback Joe Theismann
"I think about the cosmic snowball theory. A few million years from now the sun will burn out and lose its gravitational pull. The earth will turn into a giant snowball and be hurled through space. When that happens it won't matter if I get this guy out." – Former MLB Pitcher, Bill ‘Spaceman’ Lee
“Black culture is something I don't relate to much at all.” - Former NBA player, Dennis Rodman 
"The sun has been there for 500, 600 years.” - Florida Marlins Outfielder, Mike Cameron


"Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there." – Baseball Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson, on reports that 50 percent of ballplayers use steroids.
"My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction" - NBA player Tracy McGrady after signing with the Orlando Magic in 2000
“I told you I needed to feed my family, they offered me 3 years at $21 million. That’s not going to cut it…If [owner Glen] Taylor wants to see my family fed, he better cough up some money. Otherwise, you’re going to see these kids in one of those Sally Struthers commercials soon.” – Former NBA All-Star Latrell Sprewell
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – NBA All-Star Jason Kidd, after being drafting by the Dallas Mavericks 
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." - Former New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers
"A defense wins championships, we don’t need the offense to put up a single point for us to win a game" – NFL Linebacker Joey Porter
"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something." - Dennis Rodman
“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” – Former NBA analyst & current Philadelphia 76ers Head Coach Doug Collins


"This is how I feel -- if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he [Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won." - Steelers linebacker James Harrison, explaining why he declined an invitation to the White House after winning the Super Bowl
"I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that." – Football Hall of Famer, Jerry Rice
“Don’t say I don’t get along with my teammates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on the team.” – NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens
"The Hall of Fame ceremonies are on the thirty-first and thirty-second of July." - Baseball Hall of Famer, Ralph Kiner


“That’s what they get for building a ballpark on the ocean.” – Former MLB pitcher Dennis ‘Oil Can’ Boyd, after a 1986 game at Cleveland Municipal Stadium was postponed due to fog
“We went to a lot of clubs, but I can't remember if that was one of them." - Shaquille O’Neal when asked if he visited the Acropolis while in Greece
According to Field Producer Doug Prusak, after New Jersey Devils Head Coach Jacques Lemaire announces the team is heading to Miami, an unnamed rookie responds “Why are we going to Miami? Isn’t that in Mexico?”


“I can go right, I can go left, I’m amphibious” – Former NBA player, Charles Shackleford
"He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him." – Former NBA All-Star Scottie Pippen
Phillies Randy Ready to Pirates Andy Van Slyke regarding Phillies switch-pitcher Greg Harris "he's amphibious", Van Slyke responds: "What does that mean, he can pitch underwater?"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tool Replication by a 3-D Printer

Do we believe this?  Not quite clear how this can be true:

A Harmonica in Carnegie Hall

What Machine?

A guy my age and not in the best of shape was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer,

"What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

Before the trainer could reply, I interrupted and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

Monday, July 4, 2011

iPhone Humor


The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown):

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. 
They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a
while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take
a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
over-sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a

The Very First Senior Moment

Alcoholism Lecture

 An elderly man, obviously a little tipsy, is stopped by the police around 2 am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, slightly slurred, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."